[As told by Samson Jones (Zzarchov at Unofficial Games)]
So once more I followed by divine calling, once more wandering these strange surface worlds. This time I came to a place where people put cream or cheese on darn near everything. Where I not naturally a perfect specimen of human perfection I would be worried about gaining weight.
At the local watering holes I met two trustworthy looking gentlemen,+Taurus Hell's Heart , who must be good with kid's due to this attire, and +Philip the Bloody who seems to be a wealthy aristocrat. Since they weren't poor and were therefore trustworthy we also met up with another priest they know who went by the title of Father Jack, a vicar they knew from someplace called Cornwall. Jack also brought with him a charming lass whom he had recently had dashing adventures with in this strange land. I would have been quite ecstatic about the crack team I would get to lead this time but someone seems to have fed a stray halfing and it followed us around as well. It seems to have some sort of parasitic relationship with a goat, I came to understand that is a common malady affecting the local goat populace. The more I am forced to endure the world above the more I am happy God clamps down on the non-humans back home.
Some of the folk knew that a feud between nobles were brewing, one lord having death wish against another lord, a better thought was broached. In a nearby desert there is an encampment of an Egyptian pharaoh, sending his best men to loot and explore a set of sand enveloped ruins. After confirming they were pagans who could not easily be converted and therefore monster, we set to work planning a dashing adventure of killing vile monsters and returning priceless treasures to the beacon light of civilization.
The ruins themselves were near a cliff face, that my maps shows just past "boring walking" and "overpriced supplies for ungrateful adopted children". We saw elements of an aqueduct leading into a mound of sand, breached only by the top of a tower and an archway. As I stared down overlooking the scene, the cool wind rustling through my long golden locks, the team, through my superior management skills, spotted the Pharaoh's men leaving the arch, just as I knew would happen. Litter bearers carrying piles of treasure, a warrior in dark copper plate, a fellow we dubbed senor man-thong, several drummers and a trumpet player.
Using a brainstorming session, we delivered a list of action items:
Father Jack would cast silence on the trumpet
I would bless +Taurus Hell's Heart and he would open fire on the armoured warrior with +Philip the Bloody 's weapon, something he calls a "phaser". It was some sort of weird Cornish weapon I guess. The halfling would be sicked at the warriors on his goat back while Philip cast sleep upon the litter bearers. The rest of us, my sons and our men-at-arms would unleash sling stones and arrow fire upon those we could reach.
The warrior survived a direct hit with the phaser, but the rest of the plan went fairly well. It did take a half dozen stones to down senior man-thong however, and despite the silence the trumpet player was able to press his trumpet to the ground and cause some form of rumbling to appear. This would prove a problem later.
A few scrolls of sleep later, and the mound of sand was growing larger. Our female companion cleverly picked up the trumpet and began blowing it at other parts of the sand, causing the mound to move. This allowed us to pick up the litter of treasure, throw on the warriors body and high tail it out of there with the trumpet.
While us sentient beings were able to just keep running as the mound of sand erupted behind us, unfortunately the simple halfling and his goat looked back. This proved to be a problem later, I wonder what he saw.
We made a quiet fireless camp in the woods and counted and split the treasure. Philip decided that the poor warrior had somehow been cursed with unholy magics to grant him strength, through magic tattoo's on his hands. Obviously a man of great charity he deftlydegloved the fellow, allowing his soul some peace in death. I must admit I don't understand the full nature of how that all works, but it isn't my place to know things I don't know. Unable to sleep, I decided to keep watch all night in case that rumbling horror came looking for us, or the pharaoh sent people to find out what happened to his men.+Taurus Hell's Heart being the kind soul he is, stayed up with me. Never letting me out of his unblinking gaze in rapt silence. Thankfully we were awake, for strange fibers began oozing out of the Halfling's sleeping body.
Heroically I leaped into action and bravely assaulted the sleeping and heavily injured halfling's body with my Morning Star. I was too courageous to yield when his struggling ceased and so bravely kept hitting him until an ungodly swarm of maggots began emanating from his ground corpse.
Philip was awoken and began vapourizing the halfling's body with his Cornish weapon. Taurus set a small fire with oil over the writing remains to be sure, while I bludgeoned the goat to death and threw it on the fire as well.
Returning to a friendly inn for some rest and relaxation, a rather odd event occurred. I was just recounting a hypothetical about how if a certain lord with a contract on his head might have been the one to steal from the pharaoh he would have a pile of easily stolen treasure sitting around his home, and being a foppish sort he would be easy to rob for any real men. Purely a thought exercise.
Unfortunately there seemed to be a table full of drunk vikings sitting next to me, and once Father Jack began loudly describing the interior of said nobles house after his visit the vikings left. Thinking nothing of it we went to meet a local noble who may have some work for us that the others knew.
We did have some trouble getting in, a new halfling was following us (damn vermin) and must have been owned by a sailor previously. He was rude and vulgar, riding his goat into the lord's house, insulting the lord (though I know he only speaks as a parlour trick and does not know the meaning of the words, it was quite embarrassing). The lord however was quite amused by our explanation for the poor critter and wanted to keep him and give him a good home. He was a kindly one, but the creature was rabid already and tried to attack me.
We thankfully were leaving anyways, the lord wanted us to kill a local noble and retrieve his head and wife, such skullduggery! Worse it was the same one I was mentioning near the vikings, who I also realized would probably keep his head and wife. We then bravely rushed out to intercept the vikings as the ransacked the poor lord's home. The viking's had killed the guards, as well as three nuns and were torturing the fourth and final. With a scroll of sleep from Philip we were able to save the nun, and discovered her lord was out of town on his honey moon.
We raced to warn him about further plots on his life, stopping only to look a mound of dead purple skinned monsters, with helmets that were round bowls made of some material clear ike glass but strong like metal. They wore skin tight white suits that seam to reduce the intensity of fire. One of the helmets is currently available at Samson and Son's Dungeon Salvage, as well as a pair of gloves that reduce the intensity of fire. But we were on a mission of life and death, and could not spare a moment longer than the 30 or 45 minutes we spent looting and desecrating the bodies.
Arriving in a southern town I labelled as "Elephant Loving Town" we were able to gain entrance as performers, Philip creating a breathtaking and perfect illusion of an elephant. We then rushed to the wedding of Lord [Burndy] to warn him of the assassination attempt we 100% had no part in but totally saved him from and should be rewarded for.
The age of heroes is not yet over, some men and women of pure hearts yet exist. Men of character and pure morals like +Taurus Hell's Heart , +Philip the Bloody , Father Jack, What's-her-name and Me...+Samson Jones! a renowned humble servant, the humblest servant if I may add, of the divine march of civilization.